Making friends in college

College move-in week has this very specific social performance where everyone acts like they are totally fine and definitely not desperately hoping to find their people.

The person who looks the most socially confident in your dorm hallway is also lying awake wondering if they are going to have friends by October.

Making friends as an adult, or almost adult, is genuinely harder than it was when you were younger and someone just sat next to you in class and you became best friends because you both liked the same cartoon. Now there is more awareness, more self-consciousness, more of a sense that everyone else already has it figured out.

None of that is true but it feels true and that makes it harder.

proximity plus repetition works

This is what friendship researchers actually say and it sounds unromantic but it works.

You become friends with the people you are around consistently. That is it. That is the formula.

Which means the best thing you can do to make friends is to show up to the same places repeatedly and find friends in the spaces you want to be.

The club you join, the study spot you go to every week, the coffee shop where you become a regular, the class where you sit in the same area and see the same faces every Tuesday and Thursday.

Familiarity builds trust and trust is where friendship starts. You do not have to be impressive or interesting or make a big impression. You just have to keep showing up.

be the one who says something

Most people are waiting for someone else to go first. Knowing this is useful because it means if you are willing to say something first, the other person is usually relieved and grateful that you did. A comment about the class, a question about the assignment, hey I have seen you around, what is your name — these feel awkward to initiate and usually land just fine.You do not need an amazing conversation starter. You just need to start.

The bar is genuinely low and most people are rooting for you to clear it because they want connection too.

go to more things than feels comfortable

Early on especially, say yes to more than you feel like saying yes to. The random floor event you are kind of tired for. The study group for a class you could do alone. The club interest meeting for something you are only mildly curious about. You are not committing to anything. You are just putting yourself in rooms where connection can happen.

Not every room will produce a friendship. Most of them will not. But the math works in your favor if you keep going to rooms. The person who becomes one of your closest friends in college is probably in a room you have not gone to yet.

invest in the friendships that feel easy

When you find someone you click with, actually pursue it. Suggest hanging out. Follow up.

Make plans. A lot of potential friendships die because both people liked each other and neither one made a move because they did not want to seem too eager.

Seeming eager is fine. Wanting to be someone’s friend is not embarrassing. The people worth being friends with will match your energy. The ones who make you feel weird for trying are not your people and you just learned that for free.

your friend group does not have to be big

There is a version of the college experience that gets sold in movies where you have this enormous group of friends doing everything together. Some people have that. A lot of people do not and that is completely okay.

Two or three people you actually trust and feel good around is worth more than ten people you kind of know and feel like you have to perform for. Quality over quantity is not a consolation prize. It is just the better thing.

it takes longer than you think and that is normal

Most people do not have their college friend group locked in by October. A lot of people spend most of freshman year figuring out who they are in this new context before the friendships start to solidify. Some people do not find their real people until sophomore or junior year, or through an unexpected class or a job or an org they joined late.

If it feels slow, you are probably on schedule. Keep showing up, keep saying something first, keep investing in the connections that feel right. The friends are out there doing the exact same thing you are doing right now.

You are not behind on friendships! So much good is ahead of you.